An Education
by Lily of the Shadow
Summary: Despite it's educational value: I must rate this PG13 for content. Liz must play teacher to two poor, naive souls... They'll never be the same.


Muahahaha. This idea came to me… And I thought it was too hilarious to pass up.

--

Kai was walking down the quiet halls, glancing around for any sign of his girlfriend or his girlfriend's best friend. There was a close call with Tala, whom he hid from just as he emerged from Liz's room. He paused for a few moments then darted into the room and shut the door quickly behind him, locking it with a faint click.

"You are sworn to silence, Liz." He hissed dangerously. Liz raised an eyebrow, but nodded.

"I need you to… explain something to me."

"The great Kai? Needs me to _explain_ something? Oh, what has the world come to!" Liz mock-fainted. Kai glared at her sharply enough that she shut up and sat straight. "Alright, alright. What do you need?"

"Well… I grew up in the Abbey… and naturally Boris never explained… and then once I got out, I was too preoccupied with traveling, training, saving the world, battling my old teammates and all that… so I never really bothered to find out anything more… I mean, I don't watch TV or anything, and I rarely get online…"

Liz stared in awe as Kai rambled on nervously.

"And I can't ask Catty or Korimi because they'll laugh and I can't punch them… or threaten them to keep their silence. You I can counter-blackmail with a clean conscience."

"I'm loved." Liz deadpanned. "Spit it out already."

"What the hell is PMS? I mean, I know it makes girls all moody and crap, but…"

Liz's eyes widened. She chuckled softly for a moment. "That's an easy one." She said. Kai raised an eyebrow. "Oh, come on. I get where you're coming from with that, you've never had a chance for a proper education, despite your formidable mental prowess." Liz laughed softly, sitting up on her bed.

She gestured for Kai to sit down at her desk. He did so hesitantly.

"Alright now. PMS is short for Pre-Menstrual Syndrome. Essentially, menstruation releases a lot of hormones and stuff, gives us stomach cramps, and all that. Basically that's it." Liz explained matter-of-factly.

Kai raised an eyebrow. "That tells me very little you realize."

There was a knock on the door. "Liz? Are you in there?"

"Rei?" Liz walked over to the door and opened it, allowing the Chinese boy to enter.

"Kai? What are you doing here? I can come back later…" Rei trailed off uncertainly.

"I was just explaining something to him. Whatcha need?"

"Er… actually its kind of embarrassing for a guy my age I suppose…"

"Let me guess. Because of some traditional law in the village you grew up in, you aren't allowed to know where babies come from until a certain age or something, and you want to know now because you passed that age and never had the opportunity to learn?" Liz rattled off sarcastically. Rei's eyebrows shot up.

"Er…" He trailed off. "How'd you know?" Liz rolled her eyes.

"Who knows? Drop your butt on the floor. I may as well kill two birds with a stone." Liz said. She jumped back onto the bed and assumed a thoughtful look.

"Kai…?"

"Don't even begin."

"Children! Silence!" Liz said in a remarkably teacher-like voice.

Both of the rooms other occupants raised an eyebrow.

"Alright, gentlemen. The School for Education in the Human Anatomy is now in session. Now, a little pre-test. What do guys have that girls don't?"

"…penises?" Rei hesitantly offered.

"Is that the proper pluralization of the word?… No matter. That is correct. And what do girls have that guys don't?"

"Uterii I suppose…"

"Now, I know that isn't the proper pluralization of uterus. But I'm glad you were paying attention, Kai." Liz nodded. Kai rolled his eyes. Liz looked at them closely. "Neither of you are that red. Last time I explained this to a guy he was a beet."

Kai and Rei shrugged. Rei did, in fact, have a slight tinge of pink, but Kai was his usual stoic face.

"Oh well. Anyway. You do know how sex works, right?"

There was a long period of silence, and no one moved. Liz sighed. "I'll need my whiteboard…" She said, heading to her closet. She also pulled out a box. "For once in my entire life, Mrs. Parrish, I shall thank you…" She muttered. Kai and Rei exchanged glances but said nothing.

Liz set up on an easel a whiteboard. She took a black marker in her hand and then closely examined a pamphlet she had pulled from the box.

On the board she drew a diagram of the male and female reproductive systems.

"Lesson one. This is a guy. Note the dick. This is a female. Note the fairly bad representation if her innards. Lesson two I'll skip seeing as I hope you'd know your way around yourselves at least." Liz smirked when she finally got the faintest pink tinge out of Kai's cheeks. "Lesson three. This here is the uterus. It is where the baby grows once fertilized." She pointed at the diagram with a pink wand that had a sparkly sequined gold star and ribbons trailing from the end.

She noted Kai and Rei's looks.

"Don't diss the wand. Now. These here are the ovaries. When a girl is born, she is born with all the eggs she will ever have right in here. They are each monocellular. There are several hundred. Once a girl reaches puberty, these eggs begin dropping into the uterus, one at a time, around once per month. A lining of blood forms in preparation for a potential fertilization."

"Fertilization… by…?" Rei asked.

"That's where the guy comes in. Right here—" she pointed to the diagram, "—is where millions upon millions of sperm cells are made. It is this sperm that is the fertilizer. It is, quite literally, injected into the uterus."

Rei and Kai nodded in understanding. Liz, however, continued.

"This is done by way of an absurd mating ritual during which many techniques are employed by both the male and female in attempts to please the opposite sex. Usually it begins with the shedding of ones clothes, often in either a slow and sensuous manner, or rapidly in a fit of unassuming passion."

Kai and Rei exchanged 'good grief' looks again.

"Then, through what can only be described as acts of amazing contortion, the male inserts—"

"We get the point, Liz. We don't need you to verbally act it out." Kai interrupted, the pink on his cheeks deepening ever so slightly. Liz sighed an nodded.

"Alright. Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. PMS occurs when the egg is not fertilized. The muscles around the uterus begin clenching in attempt to squeeze out the blood, causing the stomach cramps. Hormones flood the body, causing moodiness. The blood flows out through the vagina over a period of about four to seven days, a process known as menstruating." Liz concluded. "Do I need to go over the proper use of pads and tampons?" Se asked jokingly. Kai and Rei both raised eyebrows.

"…Oy. Alright, pads, I'm sure you can guess, are pads that absorb the blood so it doesn't leak onto one's clothes. Tampons are bundles of fibers that are inserted inside the vagina to absorb blood."

"Sounds slightly painful…"

"You've no idea." Liz rolled her eyes. "I imagine it's no worse than sex, using a tampon, but the cramps are hell."

Kai and Rei raised an eyebrow. "What should we deduce from that?" Kai asked, purposely baiting Liz. They each received a pillow to the face.

"Get out the both of you. If you have any more questions about the specific process, consult the Kama Sutra." Rei turned redder as Kai rolled his eyes.

"That was.. interesting…" Rei commented as the red finally faded from her face.

"Hn." Kai said. He turned and walked down the hall without a word. Rei went the other way, passing Tala as he came up the stairs.

"Knock, knock…" Tala said as he pushed open the door. "What were Rei and Kai doing in your room?"

"Oh. I was educating them." Liz said, waving a hand at the whiteboard still set up. Tala turned slightly red.

"I still can't believe that, of all the stuff they did put in my brain, that wasn't part of it…" he muttered.

"Cheer up. You looked cute as a beet."


End file.
